For the past few days i have been:
1. constipating. really seriously.
2. pondering about certain stuffs that's bothering me deep inside my heart.
3. work, getting piled on with stuff to do.
for #1, i had it solved by taking lots of laxatives and Fybogel and stuffing myself nonstop with papayas.
for #2, i don't really wana face it but i cannot escape. see, i am always trying to run away from things that are troubling me and it's not healthy at all. i know i have to face it and deal with it. i just suck at dealing with matters of the heart. it's just, i dono, this huge hole inside (which i won't elaborate on the reason of it. some of you know.) and i am trying to find/do something to fill up that empty space. that really, really, huge empty space. i'm feeling so bad now cuz of that hole that is getting bigger and bigger every passing day. it's making me friggin SSAAAAADDDD. i don't wish for that day to come but it's INEVITABLE. the day WILL come and then...and then, i dono *shrugs and sighs* slash me wrists and die? carry on living and working it out? i will do the latter.
for #3, i am just terrified. yes i cannot deny it any longer. i am terrified of the workload piled on me at work. the deadlines are tighter than the ones i face in school. and the workload is like a gazillion times heavier and demands even more responsibility. gosh, how am i ever gona manage all these upon my own fragile shoulders? my back is just gona break but i still have to endure it. yes this is life working in the industry, yes this is wad everyone faces, yes janice welcome to the real world. but, it's all coming at me too fast too soon and i dono how to manage it! just the thought of all these makes me want to cry. yes i haven't grow up. yes i am still childish. somebody please teach me wad to do. i am terrified of work. i tried to face it with positivity, by telling myself this is my opportunity for me to GROW, an opportunity to prove to myself that i can be capable, a chance to allow myself to be STRONGER. but, i still cannot deny that i am just one small fry trying to sustain so much! i am trying to run away from that voice that discourages me and tells me that i am weak. i am trying to run towards the voice that says I CAN DO IT. yet this mental war alone is already such a huge struggle, wad more trying to struggle with the workload. before i went for attachment, my lecturer Julian told me "be careful. Beng Teck (my boss) is a slave driver." well, indeed he is. don't get me wrong. beng teck is a really nice boss. he is patient enough to teach me over and over until he makes sure i understand. and i am thankful for that. it's just the demands of the industry i guess, that is making me go mad. well janice janice, time to step out of your shell.
as you can see, i am going through quite a tough time, struggling with my mental thoughts. i am going mental pretty soon. i am a far cry from sane. my brain needs some sedatives to make me calm down before i get a panic attack and die. i have never craved for rest on weekends so much. well, i like working, don't get me wrong. i like what i am doing there, i like what i am learning there, but i am just trying to learn how to handle the workload there. that's the point. it's not that i hate work, in case dear reader you get the wrong message from all my rantings.
those of you still in school please cherish the days when you can still sit comfortably in your classrooms and your only responsibility is to get good grades. studying seems like a huge chore and a great burden, but hey, the responsibility of studying is for your own. just make sure you are responsible enough to study hard, be on track, do your revision and have plain discipline and you can do well. the reason why we think we cannot finish studying for a test or completing a given assignment is not because teachers pile us too much. it's because we don't manage our time well and even if we do, we don't have 100% discipline to stick to it. in the working world? let me rant/preach/nag. i just realized that in the working world, if you are slow and lazy and lackadaisical, you drag the rest of your colleagues down. see, if i am slow in editing, i cannot hand the clips over to the next editor to do audio mix in time. and then the whole project will end late and tv stations cannot receive our projects in time and you dear audience at home cannot watch nice shows in time and then the company gets a bad name because? because i didn't edit fast enough. see the cycle? see the scary, frightening, deadly, lethal cycle?
see the RESPONSIBILITY?
i may sound like i am exaggerating way too much. pardon me for my boring lecture. pardon me if i am trying to sound like some know-it-all goody. but this has been on my mind for DAYS and i need to spit it out before i really go mental.
there you have it. one huge chunk of entry on the perils of the working industry. i wana apologize to mr wong for crying and ranting so much because of my stress and thanks for talking sense into my dumb brain. if i even have a brain at all.
peeps, let's meet up soon. i need some R&R pretty BADLY.
to end on a lighter note...
This is me and my baby cousin Cliona during CNY earlier this year. Ain't she cute? she's like fascinated with my finger. lol. And also, i think i look like a really good mother in this pic, albeit the scary blue fingernails. bahahahhaa.
Laterz~
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