Dangling by a thread

Janis is feeling kinda down lately.

For the past few days i have been:
1. constipating. really seriously.
2. pondering about certain stuffs that's bothering me deep inside my heart.
3. work, getting piled on with stuff to do.

for #1, i had it solved by taking lots of laxatives and Fybogel and stuffing myself nonstop with papayas.

for #2, i don't really wana face it but i cannot escape. see, i am always trying to run away from things that are troubling me and it's not healthy at all. i know i have to face it and deal with it. i just suck at dealing with matters of the heart. it's just, i dono, this huge hole inside (which i won't elaborate on the reason of it. some of you know.) and i am trying to find/do something to fill up that empty space. that really, really, huge empty space. i'm feeling so bad now cuz of that hole that is getting bigger and bigger every passing day. it's making me friggin SSAAAAADDDD. i don't wish for that day to come but it's INEVITABLE. the day WILL come and then...and then, i dono *shrugs and sighs* slash me wrists and die? carry on living and working it out? i will do the latter.

for #3, i am just terrified. yes i cannot deny it any longer. i am terrified of the workload piled on me at work. the deadlines are tighter than the ones i face in school. and the workload is like a gazillion times heavier and demands even more responsibility. gosh, how am i ever gona manage all these upon my own fragile shoulders? my back is just gona break but i still have to endure it. yes this is life working in the industry, yes this is wad everyone faces, yes janice welcome to the real world. but, it's all coming at me too fast too soon and i dono how to manage it! just the thought of all these makes me want to cry. yes i haven't grow up. yes i am still childish. somebody please teach me wad to do. i am terrified of work. i tried to face it with positivity, by telling myself this is my opportunity for me to GROW, an opportunity to prove to myself that i can be capable, a chance to allow myself to be STRONGER. but, i still cannot deny that i am just one small fry trying to sustain so much! i am trying to run away from that voice that discourages me and tells me that i am weak. i am trying to run towards the voice that says I CAN DO IT. yet this mental war alone is already such a huge struggle, wad more trying to struggle with the workload. before i went for attachment, my lecturer Julian told me "be careful. Beng Teck (my boss) is a slave driver." well, indeed he is. don't get me wrong. beng teck is a really nice boss. he is patient enough to teach me over and over until he makes sure i understand. and i am thankful for that. it's just the demands of the industry i guess, that is making me go mad. well janice janice, time to step out of your shell.

as you can see, i am going through quite a tough time, struggling with my mental thoughts. i am going mental pretty soon. i am a far cry from sane. my brain needs some sedatives to make me calm down before i get a panic attack and die. i have never craved for rest on weekends so much. well, i like working, don't get me wrong. i like what i am doing there, i like what i am learning there, but i am just trying to learn how to handle the workload there. that's the point. it's not that i hate work, in case dear reader you get the wrong message from all my rantings.

those of you still in school please cherish the days when you can still sit comfortably in your classrooms and your only responsibility is to get good grades. studying seems like a huge chore and a great burden, but hey, the responsibility of studying is for your own. just make sure you are responsible enough to study hard, be on track, do your revision and have plain discipline and you can do well. the reason why we think we cannot finish studying for a test or completing a given assignment is not because teachers pile us too much. it's because we don't manage our time well and even if we do, we don't have 100% discipline to stick to it. in the working world? let me rant/preach/nag. i just realized that in the working world, if you are slow and lazy and lackadaisical, you drag the rest of your colleagues down. see, if i am slow in editing, i cannot hand the clips over to the next editor to do audio mix in time. and then the whole project will end late and tv stations cannot receive our projects in time and you dear audience at home cannot watch nice shows in time and then the company gets a bad name because? because i didn't edit fast enough. see the cycle? see the scary, frightening, deadly, lethal cycle?

see the RESPONSIBILITY?

i may sound like i am exaggerating way too much. pardon me for my boring lecture. pardon me if i am trying to sound like some know-it-all goody. but this has been on my mind for DAYS and i need to spit it out before i really go mental.

there you have it. one huge chunk of entry on the perils of the working industry. i wana apologize to mr wong for crying and ranting so much because of my stress and thanks for talking sense into my dumb brain. if i even have a brain at all.

peeps, let's meet up soon. i need some R&R pretty BADLY.

to end on a lighter note...














This is me and my baby cousin Cliona during CNY earlier this year. Ain't she cute? she's like fascinated with my finger. lol. And also, i think i look like a really good mother in this pic, albeit the scary blue fingernails. bahahahhaa.


Laterz~

A little tour around Cutting Edge

it's almost my 2nd week there and i have been enjoying my time there so far. with such a cozy environment and well stocked pantry, it's almost like a 2nd home. and i OT everyday, which explains why i haven't been online in this virtual world as often as i used to.

nothing else to say. adios.


*i miss.

I AM 50KG

The title is just a joke. i'm too bored. anyway....

what am i doing blogging at 5:57AM ?!?!??!

insomnia!

i have actually quite a lot of things to blog about but i am too lazy to upload pictures now. :P

went to watch The Simpson's Movie just now (ok yesterday in fact) and it was like super super hilarious. they tried to imitate Al Gore in some ways hahahahaha! nvm. just go watch the movie!

besides, i am also in it.





attachment this monday at Cutting Edge. wish me luck. sometimes i hate it when the industry is so demanding they expect us to give our all to them. i have no time for other stuff for the next 3 months.

but on the other hand, i am also quite excited to go for attachment.

contradicting myself.

i am gona get ready for school in a few hour's time. yes. school on a SATURDAY MORNING. how nice huh. it's ok. it's the last saturday morning i am required to go!!! la la la.

and mr wong i love u so much. many many kisses~~~~

Licensed to drive!

WOOOO I'VE PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!

i think the examiner was being rather lenient because i forgot my seatbelt when i went into the circuit. wahahaha.. thank God i remembered when i was doing my parking! cuz i suddenly felt weird, like how come i can suddenly move so freely when i am doing my parking. hahaa!! and i got Route 4, which was an ok road to drive. The traffic was smooth too on that day. Thank God!!!


Nothing penalized on the first page.


Penalized for being slow (?!?!?!)


A total of 16 points penalized.

Whew. another 4 more points and i would have failed. a blessing indeed.

Thanks to mr wong who drove over to my place early in the morning, delivered breakfast, drove me there and waited for me to finish, and allowed me to use his car to drive home and to school!! kisses~~

anyways, i was on the way home just now and i was on the bus. and this group of noisy people boarded from my school bus stop so i guess they are from my school. and they were SO NOISY. they talked at the top of their lungs about DOTA, and stupid things, and then this guy was like "oh shit! i think i miss my last bus already la! how ah how to check ah?" and then his gang of noisy friends started giving stupid suggestions.

"oh. u go there wait lo. if ten minutes no bus then u go lo."

"u go and see if the queue got people or not lo."

and the guy was fretting "how ah how to check ah. shit la i think i miss my last bus"

OMG LA are they foreigners or what? don't they ever realise that the timings for the first bus and last bus are forever pasted on the bus number sign board?? they take the bus to and fro school everyday, don't they ever NOTICE????

this shows how ignorant people can be. i am not trying to sound smart here or whatever. i think it's true. and anyway i don't like noisy people. they like to talk at the top of their lungs like they own the whole of singapore.

i am done with school. waiting for attachment. i applied for a post production company called Cutting Edge. it's video editing job. and other post production stuff. near chinatown!! maxwell road!! yummy food, bars and pubs woohoo~ my lecturer has yet to schedule me for an interview. i pray that i can get in. i realise that i suddenly want that position very much. i don't know why. leading from God maybe.

oh, i had really yummy chinese dumplings (along with other yummy chinese food) last night! a dinner treat from mr wong's mum for getting my license. this eatery is situated somewhere at katong.


Yummy yummy...veggies, tofu, chinese dumplings!!


This flat pancake thing is super delicious. it's crispyon the outside and juicy on the inside (minced meat and veggies). yummy~~~

aw man. i made myself hungry. i'm craving for these chinese dumplings again!!!

k gota go. tmr's schedule:

morning - video production group meeting
afternoon - heading down to team singapore to film theresa ( you gota check her out. she broke the record for para-olympics and she's participating in the 2008 beijing olympics next year, representing singapore!! )
evening - dinner with cancer society client

yawns. bye.

Pins and Needles

My new baby.



Doesn't she just take your breath away? Love her like mad.






























































kidding. I saw that car on my way to the dojang. I WANT!!!! i'll have to wait centuries to get that car i think. :( (you can see zx and jason in the background xD )

anyway. me and zx are so sick of life that we got ourselves admitted to IMH.



us in our straight jackets.

nah. in our doboks. i think this is the first time ever that we took pics together in our dobok. we look horrible anyway. cuz we were so tired after the training.








tired. there's still stuff to do for school and my attachment is nearing and i don't know what to do. my life is suddenly filled with things that grown ups are supposed face. it sucks to grow up!

and lately I'm getting those pins-and-needles kinda feeling in my limbs like, ALL THE TIME. especially when i'm sitting down/crossing my legs etc. even when i sleep, i'd wake up in the middle of the night with one of my limbs numb and i had to wait for a few seconds or minutes before my blood could circulate there and i can flex my toes/fingers again. freaking weird. anyone know what is going on? (ok as i'm typing this, i'm getting it again, this time at my legs)

Driving exam on 12th July '07. please please pray for me.

and please for goodness sake i am eating already so stop saying i look anorexic because i am not and i don't think i look anywhere near as emaciated as an anorexic. i hear that like a 434543027289573487557 times a week so i'm getting very tired of it already. to be anorexic, you have to be at least 10% underweight, and i am only a few kilos underweight. to be anorexic, you have to miss at least 3 months of your period, and i am getting my period every single month. go look at people on the streets. there are a lot more who are way thinner than me and look emaciated. i know i need to gain some weight and i am working on it. stop piling meat on my plate, stop asking me to eat more because i am, stop asking if i am anorexic, stop bugging me about it ok thanks.

i need holidays, i need to get away from school. i need some R&R and i need to cheer up.

What would you say,
if your daughter ever got raped?
or say your son was a mass murderer,
or had a life you couldn't escape?
What would you say,
if your body was so broken,
because your father beat you,
and called you names that remain unspoken?
what would you say
if you fell into depression
became bulimic or anorexic
because of your body's imperfections?
what would you say,
if tears came to my eyes?
would you hold me tightly in your arms?
or simply watch me cry
what would you say
if my words came to an end?
Would you help me recover from broken hopes
and help me make amends
what would you say
if I were never here
would you continue on with everyday life
as I slowly disappear?

WARNING: GRAPHIC PICTURES NOT FOR THE WEAK HEARTED

9th June 2007:

was at chrice's place and this glass photo frame dropped and fell onto my leg, slicing my skin open.
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and it was already 10++pm. i wanted to faint from seeing the blood but anyway...i rushed home to show mummy the wound and she said i had to get it stitched up and all i could do was cry because i refuse to get stitched up. it hurts like mad.

so..me mummy and chrice headed down to changi hospital A&E and i was told i had to wait for 3 hours! and it was already 12am..i had no choice but to go to this 24hour clinic near my place..

the clinic turned out to have really bad service, including the doc. the way he cleaned my wound, he might as well be scraping fish scales off a dead fish. he was happily pressing my wound hard with a gauze and scraping away with a tweezer, and the cleansing alcohol he used felt like my wound was being BURNED. well i felt like i was being skinned alive at the foot.

i couldn't even walk after that..but then, i didn't get my wound stitched up. like i said, i just refused to. so, the doc glued it up for me..with surgical glue of course. and he made such a huge mess out of it, making my wound bleed again, and my wound looked like some decomposing piece of meat.



sorry if this entry spoiled your appetite. just thought it would be a good start to update after such a long time. hehe.

but anyway...since stupid blogger cannot even do a cut post...i shall have to resort to this.

i have not been very happy lately. things must keep hitting me again and again. i am not happy because of a lot of issues. i am so weak and vulnerable. i try to stay strong but i will always stumble and fall, hard.

i am constantly struggling, wishing to be rescued but at the same time i keep building up all these walls around me. i wish someone could just come and just, save me out of this dark shell that i am trapped in, someone who can really see me inside and is understanding enough not to force me into recovery, but patient enough to help me recover.

i don't know who is real and who is not. i don't know who to believe and i am afraid. i don't know who is there to really harm me and who is there for real. since young i learn from the abusive environment which i grew up in, that the world is a dangerous place. a place where i will constantly be attacked. which explains why i am never strong enough to handle things on my own, because i am just too friggin scared, because i am just too used to getting negative outcomes,just too used to the beatings, the cuts and the hurting stuff thrown at me.

i am so tired of feeling like this but i have no strength to fight back anymore..

God, please, please help me.



i'm back training at the dojang.

(that's mr daniel sng!!)



home sweet home. good old days. :D i've missed out A LOT but, well, i just wana take things from where i left it and build it up.

i wana say thank you to all the people who wished me happy birthday. it was a blessed birthday..thank you to the special special one who made my day! kisses kisses.

more pictures to post up soon. it's time to get back to school work. maybe i shall contemplate moving to livejournal.

*and remember, remember,
tomorrow brings unexpected changes,
but our love, it'll still remain.

and yet I still find no one who can be true.















some things just never change.

wana PLAY?

So on Monday, eve of Labour Day, the 7 of us (JJ,ZZ,Jason,Terrence,Eunice,Soonmei,me) headed down to PLAY (it's a gay club).

The guys L-R: ZZ,Jason,Terrence,JJ

The girls L-R: Soonmei, Eunice, me

Most of the people were dressed in white. They had some lights that made our white things glow in the dark.

So there was a one for one happy hour thing and initially it was like this..

and we ended up with six jugs of the goods!

(image taken from JJ's blog)

Then we started to get a little tipsy.

Doing a bit of stupid stuff. Check out the waiter's wig at the background!

Looking stupid. The stickers on Eunice's eye are supposed to be luminous in the dark. The gay bartender came and helped to paste some on Jason's face.

Acting stupid. JJ's stickers were supposed to cover his pimples, or so he says.

That's Jason with his glow in the dark Harry Potter specs thing. They are actually light sticks which the gay waiter was giving out so we just snatched a handful of them and started to play

around with it.

JJ and Soonmei's "wedding portrait". Yeh JJ. It's a nice wedding portrait indeed.

FYI: pls don't assume who and who is a couple just because we all take pictures like that together. We all already have our own special someone in our hearts.

Hello Jason and Teddy.

We played a little drinking games...

And it's K.O time!

Miss Eunice Chiam first to go down!

Followed by Jason!

Don't know if you can see it here but ZZ's hair is "awesome" in this pic.

I look a little crazy here.

JJ and Soonmei don't look very awake either.

Teddy's face is distorted!

The following pics are random stuff of the "Sober Seven" wahahaha..

Teddy's t-shirt rocks.

JJ's kiss emits POWER.

Soonmei is still drinking omg!!

Butts lining the toilet walls! oh. the toilet was rather exposed. there were only 3 cubicles for ladies. and the guy's urinals were situated in the open space just outside the cubicles. so everytime i go to the toilet, i see one whole row of guys taking a piss.....

This faucet penis right at the top seems to be some sort of fire detector or something like that.

Anyway, so after lots of pee and puke, we left PLAY...

The "Sober" Seven. ok six. i'm the one taking the pic. haha.

woohoo Jason K.O once more.

Soonmei K.O finally!

JJ!!! and do u notice Teddy shuffling cards?

They started playing cards in front of a car!

And then they left their cards just like that to send Eunice off. and i didn't notice that the car had driven off until i uploaded this pic and saw. hahaha!

Soonmei was really funny. She started giggling at nothing at all.

So after sobering up a little...

We headed off to nowhere. Just walked and walked and ended up at Clarke Quay's mcdonalds.

And when we were walking halfway at some point of time, it RAINED and we were drenched. it caused us all to be so fully awake and cooolllddd and dirty and sticky.

That's all for the night. Miss Janice is gona slp.

Bye!